What does a life wasted for Jesus look like to you?

The last few weeks have been rough to say the least. I haven't gone one day without my phone ringing and having to have a tough and often heated conversation with family members of our newest additions. It seems that with the holidays approaching, everyone felt entitled to suddenly have visitation and I had to burst some bubbles. Plus the birth mother is on her 4th rehab facility since taking custody of her kids and dealing with that in itself is a full time job! And with those daily ups and downs I started to sense about two weeks ago that I was struggling. I found myself really down and starting to get really angry. I couldn't put my finger on it, what was my deal? Then as I was reading this book about a week ago, Come to Papa by Gary Weins, I realized what my problem was. You see two months ago I had things figured out. I have been a parent for almost 11 years, I have sacrificed many things for my kids. My hopes, dreams, aspirations.....many things were put on the back burner for them. I was a teenage mom and so I had been waiting for the day to be able to do something for myself. So now with my youngest almost 6, I pulled them back out, dusted them off and thought-NOW IS THE TIME! I enrolled in school to get my bachelors, something I have attempted to do three times and have never been successful-pregnancies, job issues, home school. I had the next 9 months planned out, school, mission trips to two different countries, and I was planning on getting my ESOL global teaching certificate in the spring. I felt like I had a grasp on what God's plan was. I was excited! So that afternoon when I got the call, I never thought once about any of that and immediately went into foster parent mode. But as the days, weeks, and now months have gone by the reality finally has set in. These things I had planned to do were no longer an option. And my flesh was angry. It was an incredibly humbling experience to look in the mirror and realize I was angry at God because I couldn't do the things I felt entitled to. I had to prostrate myself on the floor and ask my Daddy for forgiveness. And it was there....on the floor that I was reminded of my promise to him. A few years ago I prayed a prayer and made a promise....."Lord, I lay my life down as a sacrifice to you. I want Your dreams to be mine, Your heart to be mine, Your life to live through me. Use me in anyway you see fit. I want to waste my life for you. Here I am....send me." So what did He do, He took me at my word and has begun to do just that. How could I say those things and not expect him to act on them?? I began to weep....Father, how could I be so selfish? It was then that He showed me the bigger picture in my life and that these small, human-minded plans that I had weren't good enough for His beloved. He loved me so much that His plans were greater and the ripple they would have on eternity was the bigger picture He saw. His leadership is always perfect. So, as I have moved forward with this new revelation this last week I have been looking with new eyes. So many in The Body are stuck in similar situations. The Church has painted this picture that Jesus wants us all to have fulfilling lives having fun, living it up and being blessed beyond measure. But what does that look like? What does it mean that He came to give greater and more abundant life? Does that mean bigger vacations, nicer cars, better houses, more and more toys than I have the storage for, eating at nice restaurants 3 and 4 times a week and having the funds to buy whatever my hearts desire is because I am a top tither and God is paying me back? Is that what it means to live the blessed life? Or is Living the Blessed Life about laying down our desires, our dreams, our plans and saying....None of that matters because I am sold out for you. I am willing to completely die to myself and allow you to plan my life, whatever that may look like. At the beginning of this year my husband was making $20,000 more than he is now. We could eat out when we wanted, take the kids anywhere they wanted to go, have date nights monthly and buy the little luxuries we desired. But as I look at my life today-broke, 8 deep in a four bedroom house, struggling to keep food in the pantry I realize that I am happier now than I have ever been. I heard an abandoned child tell me that taking him to chuck-e-cheese was the best day of his life. Those are the things of value to me, those are the memories I am storing up. Although I may not experience the successes our culture deems valuable, my life will be completed wasted for Jesus...and that is my new dream.